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Roses and Thorns

Like A Rose


Often times we say things to others not realizing the magnitude of our words. Today I want to encourage you to be mindful of the things that you say to others when they have experienced child loss. Sometimes the things that we think are helpful are the very words that hurt others the most.

Here is a list of things to NOT say to a mother who has lost a child:

1. At least you can get pregnant

We should never compare one woman's struggle to another. Although it is a blessing to become pregnant, no mother ever imagines losing her child.

2. Be grateful for the children you have

You can love your living children and grieve the one you lost at the same time.

3. You should be done grieving by now

Grief has no timeline. Mothers will forever mourn the child they lost. They may get through it but they will never get over it.

4. Maybe it wasn't meant to be

This statement can often times make mothers feel like they did something wrong or the loss was their fault.

5. Everything happens for a reason

No mother could ever fathom there being a good reason for losing her baby.

6. Just pray about it

God is good and He hears our every cry but when you tell a mother to "just pray" it makes her feel as though maybe she wasn't spiritual enough or religious enough before the loss. Or that if they would have prayed harder, they wouldn't have loss their child.

7. You can always try again

A rainbow baby will never be the angel baby. The rainbow baby will not take the place of the angel baby. A rainbow baby will not make the grief and love for the angel child disappear.

8. "At least"

Never compare. Never. Whether you had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, 15 weeks, stillbirth at 25 weeks or 40 weeks, there will never be an at least. A loss is a loss and no loss is more difficult or traumatic than the other.

Things You CAN say to a woman who has lost a baby:

  1. Simply say their babies name

  2. I am sorry for your loss, how can I support you?

  3. Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself.

  4. Grief has no timeline. Take as much time as you need.

  5. If you would like to talk about your loss, I am here for you.

When someone is in the middle of a traumatic situation, the way that they process information may be different than before the trauma. Just because you said something the way you meant it does not mean that is how they will hear it. Think before you speak and know that your words have power. Negativity can be a grievers default.

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Updated: Feb 10, 2021

Learning to love and forgive even when you don't feel like it is a hard thing to do.

I never thought in a million years that I would be the one giving grace to those around me. When I think of the word grace, I am automatically brought back to the Bible and reminded of how God shows us grace everyday. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that if we are to be like Christ, then we are to show grace as well. And even if religion isn't your thing, that's okay too, we all could use and give a little grace.

But as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all earnestness, and in our love for you—see that you excel in this act of grace also. 2 Corinthians 8:7

Two years ago my daughter died. Two years ago I had to give myself grace in knowing and realizing that it wasn't my fault. Two years ago I had to learn to forgive everyone who I believed played a part in her death. Two years ago I prayed to a God that I wasn't even sure that I believed in to take me away from here, but He never did. Two years ago, I learned grace.

Showing Grace To Others

Sometimes I am in shock at some of the things I have been told about losing Adelyn. From being told that she had to die because I needed a son or being told that I need to move on because I have living children who need me, people's word never ceased to amaze me. I have always in some ways expected the worst from people because the worst is what many have shown me. But here is the beautiful thing about grace. I had to get myself to a place where I remembered how many times God has forgiven me for things that I did knowingly and unknowingly. He never gave up on me. And so when it comes to child loss and how others handle it, I have learned to give them grace. I give them grace in knowing that maybe they just don't get it, and how can I expect them too if they have never gone through it. I have learned to give them grace in that maybe they just don't care to get it, and that's okay too. I have learned to give them grace in that sometimes they may be trying to be helpful not knowing that what they have said or done is more hurtful than helpful. I give them grace.

So today I challenge each of you to examine a situation in your life with someone that you know, whether it be a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a friend. Examine the ways that they have hurt you intentionally and unintentionally and think of ways that you can show them grace. Showing grace doesn't mean that you have to accept the disrespect. You can still acknowledge the hurt and educate while still showing grace. Think of ways that you can learn to forgive them and walk in that forgiveness. I challenge you to show them grace not for them, but for you. I have my person in mind, do you?

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